Feeeeeelings!

"It's not about feeling better. It's about getting better at feeling"

In this article, I explore various aspects of Natural Family Systems, also known as Bowen Theory, about feelings. To better understand this theory, please see my other articles on this theory. I will explain the concepts I bring up within the length I am trying to make this blog.

Warning: I discuss trauma and self-harm. They are labeled as such, so it is up to you if you read those sections or skip them entirely.

Let's talk feelings and the brain.

The brain is composed of three parts. Reptilian brain, limbic system, and neocortex. I won't go into all the details, but here are a few essential facts.

The reptilian brain is characterized by a response of fight, flight, or freeze. It's where anxiety comes from, and I'm not talking about anxiety disorders; I'm talking about life energy. The energy that propels us forward to survive, and yes, that includes our instincts, urges, reactions, and impulses. You don't have to think about doing these internal responses; they just happen. The limbic system is responsible for our feelings (energy as well). The limbic system and the reptilian brain are intensely connected. The neocortex is the ability to reason, think logically and abstractly, and perform executive functions like planning, organizing, and time management. The reptilian brain reacts, and the limbic system responds to that, which in turn influences how our neocortex interprets those feelings and subsequently affects how we feel, and so on. This interaction happens extremely quickly. Furthermore, the reptilian brain and limbic system have been around much longer than our neocortex. This means that when we experience a reaction/feeling, our neocortex can be and usually is easily overrun by that reaction/feeling. This also means we can't reason or logic our way out of our feelings, triggers, anxiety, etc., because again, those feelings are powerful. If we try to get rid of it through avoidance, distraction, or trying to eliminate it, we will undoubtedly fail.

A bit about rationalization. Interpreting and understanding our feelings isn't something to be avoided; it's a necessary process. We are curious beings, so it's natural to be introspective. If introspection is used to push away feelings, then there in lies the problem. If we're spiraling due to a trigger, then our "logic" is just going to make it worse. I thoroughly enjoy being contemplative about my inner workings; however, there is a difference between being mindfully curious and intensely dwelling/judging or anxiously pushing away or "fixing". Looking to understand a feel or experience rather than fix.

"What do now?" Charlie Day

So, if we understand that our feelings can't be controlled or eliminated, then what can we do? A significant part of changing our relationship with our feelings, which is directly connected to our interpretations of them, is our judgment of those feelings. For instance, if I have an experience where I run into someone from my past and they person reminds me of a time of my life that was difficult for me, that might activate my reptilian brain which then makes me feel disappointment and sadness which I might judge as bad "I shouldn't feel this way," or "ugh how can I get past this," which in turn has me pushing those feelings away, distracting myself, trying to fix them, etc. Once we have judged a feeling as bad, we have attached to it, and we have now used morals (good or bad) in relation to it. Feelings are morally neutral; they are neither good nor bad. They are natural and part of our humanity. Judging them can also look like judging ourselves for having them. "Why did I have the feeling?! I shouldn't have had that feeling. What's wrong with me? How can I feel less?"

Buddhism; attachment = suffering

Instead, when we have a feeling rather than attaching to it, trying to get rid of it, or judging ourselves, we can detach from it. This helps change our relationship to those feelings. Mindfulness is an excellent way of doing this. Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental understanding of our feelings, thoughts, and experiences. This means that when a feeling arises, rather than reacting to it, we let it be. We notice its existence without doing anything about it, accept its presence, and watch it pass by. This is done with the understanding that we don't know how long the feeling will last and that these feelings will come and go. This is a continual practice, one that goes against our instinct to judge, fixate, solve, and eliminate. Mindfulness originates from Buddhism, which teaches that all attachment leads to suffering (for various reasons) and is an inherent part of life. We need attachments to others (although we can work on those attachments and our attachment wounds), but we don't need to attach to our feelings; that is unnecessary suffering.

"The inner me is the enemy." Nick Miller

Love that quote from Nick. We can get in our own way and be our own worst enemy. Feelings aren't the enemy. They are what make us human and what connect us to nature (especially our reptilian brain). If we can embrace our feelings, we can be better for it. Accepting isn't the same thing as liking that feeling or believing them to be true. You don’t have to like how you’re feeling either. It is literally just noticing and acknowledging its existence. Watching it pass on by like a cloud in the sky. Or it can be compared to being in the ocean. You're in the middle of the abyss of the sea, the waves are all around you, and at first, maybe your impulse is to push the waves away or swim away or duck under or panic, but all four lead you to getting tossed around. The harder option is to learn to surf those waves. Yes, you'll fall off sometimes, and at other times the wave will topple you; however, over time with practice, you learn to surf those waves, and it does not matter that you can't avoid them or always predict when they will come or how big/intense they will be, because now you have this skill set to help "ride the wave" without attaching to it. This moment-to-moment process is talked about later in this article.

Waves = feelings

Obyss of the ocean = what is conscious and what is unconscious

Distortions: We aren't seeing life objectively

Feelings are subjective and distort our perceptions, and they always inform our logic. Put another way, we perceive the world through distortions, as feelings intensely shape and are shaped by our beliefs, perceptions, assumptions, biases, fears, traumas, and projections. So they aren't facts (there are truths within them, but that is not the same as being factual). We recognize their existence and, through a curious lens, see in what ways they are valid/where they might be coming from. Other aspects of being human also influence our feelings, such as our mental health, the quality of our sleep the night before, whether we are hungry or thirsty, and our experience of society, past relationships, and our jobs, among others. I know that when I get hangry, I am impatient, irritable, moody, and unable to concentrate. My hunger, which is part of my reptilian brain (needing food to survive, and my body will let me know through sensations and feelings, which I hopefully interpret as hunger and that I need to eat asap). As an intuitive eater, I have the privilege of accessing food, connecting with my body, and understanding what it needs or wants. With that knowledge, I can tell through the signals my body gives that I am hungry, and I can get the egg salad sandwich I am craving. Once fed, the hunger dissipates, and I can think way more clearly about my day and life.

If I am exhausted or burnt out, this will affect my feelings and how I see the world. Being hungry, which I can't control outside of feeding myself, will affect my feelings and distortions. If I am PMSing, not sleeping well, financially stressed, or physically ill, these will affect my feelings and distortions.

Here is a slightly more complex example. If I had a parent who was unable to emotionally regulate and displaced their moods on me through punishment for not having my room tidy or whatever they found to use as a means for punishment that might later mean that if I boss or authority figure reaches out to me to set up a meeting, that could trigger me leading to anxiety/guilt, doubting myself, fear of getting into trouble, and beliefs about being a failure or dumb. These distortions will affect my interactions with my boss and my self-presentation. Perhaps I'll receive feedback on how to improve my writing in an article I submitted; however, that doesn't mean my emotional distortions, such as "I am a failure" or "I am worthless," are true. Those stem from emotional beliefs that come from how I was treated as a child, started to take root then, and with repeated experiences became part of our identity. If I can recognize this and process in therapy how and when they began, then I can start detaching from them and those associated feelings, and practice that when I am triggered.

In that example, you can see how the trigger, feelings, and emotional beliefs all distorted that person’s reality.

Side quest: Emotional Beliefs

Bowen Theory talks about emotional beliefs. I mentioned previously that our reptilian brain has been around the longest and is all about our survival. Our identity, who we are as a person, is tied to our survival. Our values, beliefs, perceptions, and biases collectively form a part of our identity. Our families are the first to inform those variables, and then society does. Our natural tendencies and how those around us react to them (or perceive our tendencies to be) shape us and inform these variables. Once we are born, there is a need to be accepted and gain approval, and this is an automatic part of our reptilian brain; our survival depends on it. To belong, to be accepted, and to gain approval are all a part of the togetherness force. On the other side of that is the individuality force, where we want to make our own choices, find our identity, and create our own path in life. These forces regulate us from the moment we are born into a family system, and we need both of them to survive. We need our parents or family to survive when we are born, and then quickly start to grow away from our family, finding autonomy, while still needing them at the same time. These forces are all around us in nature and within us. Everyone varies in the degree to which these two forces are present and influence them.

A primary aspect of being accepted by a parent (or the primary caregiver of a child) is to share their beliefs. So, if a parent believes that to be a good human, one must believe in God and abide by the gospel, their child would likely adopt that belief. Now, later, as they become more autonomous, they might start questioning that belief. Suppose part of their personality is to be intensely curious and question the world around them. In that case, they begin to wonder whether the beliefs they were told are true for themselves. They butt heads with their parents because of their natural inclination to debate. A different child might not question what their parents say; they do what they are told and get approval through that. Their parents' beliefs become an integral part of their identity. Once they leave their parents' home, they find a community with the same beliefs, which gives them a sense of belonging. The questioning child might feel torn between wanting to be accepted by their parents and wanting to explore other beliefs through school, friends, and society. Perhaps they gravitate to contrary beliefs from their home. For example, their parents have two central beliefs: that the only acceptable career is to be a medical doctor, and to believe in God; however, their daughter finds herself wanting to be an anthropologist and leans towards being an atheist. As time passes, beliefs surrounding these two areas become increasingly central to their identity. They find others who share their like-mindedness in college, which helps shape their identity even more. I present these cases to illustrate how we are shaped from the moment we are born (togetherness and individuality being a part of that) and how beliefs are essential to our finding acceptance, shaping our identity, and understanding some of the variables that influence this process. These fundamental beliefs are what Bowen Theory refers to as emotional beliefs; they are deeply ingrained in our identity and are attached to our survival. Research has shown that if someone encounters a statement that contradicts one of their emotional beliefs, they react in the same way as if a tiger were attacking them. The same fight, flight, or freeze response occurs, and the reptilian brain takes over because our survival is threatened.

People can work on these reactions, sit with the trigger, and find more thoughtful ways of responding to it. This is a moment-to-moment process and is not always possible due to various reasons. If you can find ways to help yourself through critical thinking, be grateful. That is not a given, and judging others for not being able to do so doesn’t give space for how difficult it is to regulate our reptilian brain and limbic system. They are powerful and most times will take over our ability to get all three systems to work together (this is differentiation of self, and mindfulness is a skill that helps this process, where we don't see being emotional as a bad thing but a natural process. Being "rational" is not the same as being mindful. Most of the time, when someone talks about being logical, they are referring to repressing their emotions/judging them as less than, rather than accepting their presence. If you are a trekky, think of Spock and his kind, the Vulcans. They believe being "logical" is the more evolved way of being, and emotions are beneath them. That emotional belief is accepted by their people, and they typically do what they can to belong to their people. And we see how Spock struggles being a mix of Vulcan and human. But I digress.)

This may help you understand how some contrary beliefs trigger you (activating your survival system and limbic system) or why your family can't seem to have a calm conversation about politics (which is correlated with the intensity of the social environment) or why if you have “moral rigidity” it is hard to find the grey area when you believe you are morally correct.

We don't have control. And no, it is not as pessimistic as you think.

Control is an illusion. Say whaaaaaat?? I said what I said. We can't control what family we are born into, what genetics we get, what sibling position we have, when in the timeline continuum we are born into, other people's choices, judgments, and opinions (we influence and at times manipulate others around us, especially those we are close to. And we know what it is like to be on the other side, having someone close to us make a decision that directly affects us, and we can't do anything to change their mind.) In addition, how our parents influence us (emotional transmission) and the ways we influence them, starting from birth, is something that starts automatically and is not in our control (for the most part). Internally, we cannot control our thoughts, feelings/anxiety, sensations, triggers, urges, etc. They happen to us without us having to think about it. We might seek out some of those variables because we enjoy how they feel, but that is not the same thing as controlling them. They are automatic, and thinking we can control them can lead to various issues.

However, the paradox of control is that when we accept that we don't have control, we then gain control and learn where, in fact, we have choices (having a choice is relative and changes moment to moment; this is part of the differentiation of self process). For instance, if I am triggered by another person's actions, it could make me feel fearful and angry. If I believe that I can control my triggers (meaning never have them) and my anger (meaning I can get rid of it and judge it as bad), then, eventually, when these triggers and subsequent anger happen, I might start feeling overwhelmed, helpless, ashamed, and stuck. However, if I recognize that I can't control my triggers and get rid of the subsequent anger, I can begin using mindfulness/self regulatory skills to sit with my triggers/feelings nonjudgmentally and let the trigger/feelings pass such as "I am noticing I am triggered right now, that I am uncomfortable, and it makes me angry to be reminded of my past." and maybe throwing some self-compassion it there too "being triggered and having feelings makes me human, not a bad person, I deserve to be kind to myself. I give myself grace to learn and be curious." Eventually, as we continue to practice these skills, the trigger and feelings lessen over time. You can actually feel them lessen in the moment and through time. It is not a linear process, so expect to have times when it is difficult or nearly impossible to sit with your triggers. And that is evolution, we grow in cycles. ALSO, if you are lucky enough to practice this, it is a privilege, not a given. As I mentioned before, judging others for not doing the same does not help, and there are various reasons why someone is not able to practice this and grow. That is not giving excuses, it is providing context and nuance. You can understand that someone else may not be able to reach the same level of growth as you, AND have boundaries with them, or not let them in your life. #duality

Acute vs Chronic; let's dive in.

Feelings you are experiencing can be tied to chronic or acute issues.

Chronic: have gone on for years, usually since childhood, and are not easily resolved. This looks like mental illness stemming from trauma, genetics, and intense environments. Usually tied to imagined threats, ones you create in your head that can go on forever, such as seeing emotional distance or certain behaviors or emotions in others as threatening. “My partner is taking time for themselves after an argument, which means they are going to abandon me.” or “When my partner touches me in a certain way, I dissociate and panic, leading to feelings of overwhelm and numbness. What if that goes on forever and I can’t be intimate with them?” Cue feelings of anxiety, worry, depression, guilt, etc.

Acute: in the moment, resolves on its own, time-limited, and tied to real threats (resolves quickly and is happening in real time rather than imagined in your head). Acute issues can turn into chronic issues over time.

Maybe I experienced a trauma that happens once and resolves itself. In that moment, I might feel overwhelmed, threatened, panicked, and dissociated. The acute trauma might only happen once, but that can trigger mental health issues like OCD or an eating disorder, or BPD, or MDD, creating chronic issues for me, and that would affect your feelings over time as well. You might be more prone to anxiety, emotional dysregulation, depression/apathy, dissociation, emotional numbness, etc., more so than you were before the trauma happened. Repeated emotional neglect or abuse, or manipulation, can have the same results over time.

How very neurodivergent of you!

A neurodivergent brain is configured differently from a neurotypical brain. For one, we have more synapses, which means we have bigger and more intense feelings. The routing of the three systems in our brain is different, which affects how intensely we feel triggers and urges, AND affects our executive functioning (planning, organizing, motivation, focus, emotional regulation, working memory, problem-solving, self-restraint, time management, etc.). We are more sensitive to stimuli and can have a harder time coping with seeing trauma happen with others, even if it is a fictional TV show. This can make neurodivergent individuals more empathetic to others and acutely aware of the injustices they observe in the world. These sensitivities typically make it difficult to regulate emotions; however, mindfulness has been proven helpful for those who have neurodivergence. (Otsuka, 2013)

Additionally, our hypersensitivity is correlated with being intuitive. The ability to sense the energy in the room and with others. Neurotypicals don't have that advantage, and many with neurodivergence can find it difficult to be understood by others (except other non-normies) and internalize that as something is wrong with them when that is not the case. We just have a sixth sense that not everyone is tapped into. It is okay if you're passionate about a particular aspect of life and have big feelings. You don't have to explain yourself to others. Our brains don't filter out sensory information in the same ways that neurotypical people do, and that means we often think more, feel more, notice more, and move more. Rather than see that as wrong or internalize the belief "I am too much," own it, accept it, and use it as a strength. (Otsuka, 2013)

Side note: I am not about the “us vs. them” dynamic with neurodivergence and neurotypical. I think as humans we define ourselves by seeing how we are different or the same as others, and while that is helpful, it can also lead to polarized groups of people. We have more in common with each other than we do different. In addition, like a lot of marginalized folks, society is not set up for neurodivergent people to succeed, and if you add other factors like culture, gender, SES, sexuality, etc., then it can be even harder to thrive due to having multiple factors against us. Society is set up for neurotypical people, and lots of what is seen as a given to be good at, if you just work hard enough, is difficult for neurodivergent folk, such as our issues with executive functioning, and little to no compassion is given to those functioning differently. That judgment makes it hard not to have the “me vs you” mentality. I hope that one day society will shift and be more accepting, you know, if that world around us doesn’t crumble into mayhem and murder before then.

Interceptive awareness

This is the ability to be aware of how we feel inside our bodies and name those feelings, sensations, urges, etc. This can be a struggle for those with neurodivergence. A big reason for that is hypersensitivity. These individuals receive an overwhelming amount of information, and it can be challenging to distinguish what is what, including their own feelings. You might feel overwhelmed by your feelings and their intensity (being overwhelmed is a feeling, btdubs), and your survival instincts kick in, prompting you to avoid and distract. Avoidance and distraction are ways of surviving, and we need them, so don’t judge yourself if you use them. We do what we can to cope and survive.

Alexithymia is the struggle with interceptive awareness and is common with neurodivergence, but also those in chronic pain, those with trauma, eating disorders, or disordered eating, and those with certain mental health disorders. Mindfulness is beneficial for this, and you can practice it daily for 5 minutes to start. A body scan mindfulness practice can help you connect with your body. You don't have to sit on the floor or a chair to do this. If you are like me, sitting in a chair to practice mindfulness can be torturous, so I find it helpful to lie down for my meditations. You can also do a simple task that you enjoy, such as painting, drawing, or crocheting, while connecting with your body.

Something that might help is thinking back to when your alexithymia started. Has it always been the case? Do you remember a time when it started? Maybe certain events happened that affected you. Or a parent or an adult influenced your connection with your body and what it is telling you about yourself, or to only listen to them. Did you give up your body wisdom to someone else? *Doubt has entered the chat*

Puberty, trauma, sexuality, gender, and other variables can all play a part in a connection or disconnection with your body.

Remember with mindfulness!! Our minds wander, sometimes quite a bit. That is natural and what they call the "monkey mind" in meditation. If you find yourself attaching to a thought or in a thought cycle, label it as whatever kind of thought it is, such as "worry thought," "planning thought," or "fun hobby thought," etc., and come back to your breath and the words of the mindful narrator. This is also how you treat anxiety and feelings. Acknowledge, label, and come back to yourself. How difficult this practice is is relative. If I am having a big feeling, or maybe I am in a funk dealing with apathy and depression, I might be something like “Idk how long this funk will last, and I can accept its presence.” Be patient with yourself (I know.... difficult and gross!) and tryyyyy your best to practice self-acceptance and self-compassion.

I will link some emotional regulation and mindfulness practices at the bottom of this blog post, so you don't have to worry about adding that to your list of tasks ;).

TRAUMA: Read at your own risk

When someone experiences trauma, for instance, in their childhood, this affects their reptilian brain, limbic system, and the neocortex. Their survival is triggered and shaped, which then affects what feelings arise, and these two systems influence how the neocortex responds. For example, let's say a mom, who has her trauma from her family, reacts to her 5-year-old daughter's tantrums by screaming at her, blaming her for their household problems, and threatening to hit her, which she frequently does. This repeated trauma creates a rupture in the survival part of our brain and the feelings that are associated with that experience. A primary necessary relationship of hers is not safe. Her mom coming home from work makes her anxious; she hides from her mom as best she can, and when her mom eventually finds her, she dissociates. As time passes, she begins to internalize how her mom treats her and the blame and accusations that are thrown at her. Eventually, her mom gets into trauma therapy, is diagnosed, and medicated, which helps stop the ongoing assault on her daughter, but the damage is done. Her daughter is a teenager at that point, has found safety with her friends, and eventually moves in with her best friend, both survivors of childhood trauma. Now that she is an adult, she is finding it very challenging to function effectively in specific work situations. Similar to the example I used earlier, before every monthly meeting with her boss, she becomes triggered, anxious, and a bit dissociated. She feels like she did with her mom when she was about to get punished and yelled at. She believes she isn't good enough, that she is to blame for whatever problems arise, and that it is on her to fix whatever issues are brought up. It is overwhelming for her. During those meetings, she does he best to be agreeable and go above and beyond to prove herself worthy to her boss. In return, her boss gives her the attention and approval that were sorely missing from her childhood, which intensifies her need to prove herself. This pattern continues until she burns out from overfunctioning at work, feeling overwhelmed every day, and her feelings of worthlessness become more intense, which leads her to therapy.

You can see in this example how trauma affects feelings, emotional distortions, relationships, and mental health.

Relationship with Food and our Bodies: so so so important

Suppose you are currently dieting, yo-yo dieting, on the eating disorder continuum, or even just fall into the belief that there is unhealthy or healthy food. What this does is bring morality and judgment to your food, body, and cravings/hunger. There is a rupture between body and self, and you can get stuck in there for a good long while.

Generally, when someone diets, they are restricting and judging certain foods as good or bad. There are mental and physical restrictions. Mental rescrition looks like "I shouldn't have this food," or "I can't keep this type of food in my home," or "I ate a lot yesterday so I will eat less today," or "It is good I ate less or ate more of this and less of that, "I ate a too much of a certain food so I gotta exercise to make up for it," or "I need to eat clean (eating clean isn't a thing. It is purely a marketing tactic) and processed food is unhealthy, etc. Someone also might see themselves in the mirror, call themselves fat (this distorts how they see themselves), and then they might compensate by exercising or restricting. Other aspects of diet culture that are moralized are clothing size, scale number, number of calories, or micronutrients. Bigger is bad, and smaller is better.

We are given the message that we can control our hunger and cravings. FALSE. Initially, dieting seems to eliminate cravings and hunger. BUT PUZZLE ME THIS: hunger and cravings are from our reptilian brain. They are the foundation of our survival. SO, knowing that it is true that we can't suppress anxiety and feelings which are connected to our reptilian brain, what do you think happens when we try to eliminate hunger and cravings? I shall tell you! The euphoria that typically occurs at the beginning of dieting eventually fades (with repeated dieting, that euphoria window gets smaller and smaller), and our survival mechanisms take over. As a species, when we were nomads who hunted, our brains/bodies learned that food was not at the ready, so when we ate less or went for stretches without food, our brains would send out the signal to slow down metabolism so that we could retain nutrients and fat AND it would send out the signal, that would get stronger over time, that we need food through out hunger and cravings. This is why, when eventually the euphoria wanes, the hunger and cravings come back tenfold, and we start obsessing about food. All we can think about is food, discussing recipes, dieting, drooling over food on social media, watching baking shows, and looking up dieting influencers. At some point, we give in to those cravings and hunger by binging, maybe on “safe foods” to start, and then on the taboo foods (ones we have judged as bad), and then come the feelings of shame and guilt. Some of us get stuck in the binge or binge/purge cycle, and it is a pretty terrible place to find yourself. Society would have you believe that it is your fault for not being able to control your hunger and cravings. If you just had more control, discipline, and determination, you would be able to overcome this moral failing you have. You might switch to a different kind of diet if the one you tried isn't working for you, but not surprisingly, the cycle repeats.

If you get to your goal weight, size, or body mass, the obsessing doesn't just magically stop. Then it becomes how to keep this certain weight? “What else can I fix about my body that I see as a fault (hello, body dysmorphia)?”

People can feel like they are going crazy when dieting, due to obsessing about food, trying to control hunger and cravings, and fixating on their bodies.

Your life becomes oppressed and narrow-minded. Your brain is so occupied with hunger, cravings, and food that you can't think of much else.

Someone can be on a diet for years before they lose said "control," and it can genuinely feel like a personal failing when that diet stops working.

I say all this so that you know the reasons why, with dieting comes a disconnection from our bodies. If we are in a survival state, trying to suppress our basic signals of hunger and cravings, how can we remain connected to our feelings and intuition? We are consistently overwhelmed because our bodies are stressed out, trying to help us survive. In that case, it becomes difficult to decipher feelings.

If you are looking at influencers who diet and exercise, you are seeing a very distorted picture of their life: 1. They don’t show the struggle outside of posting (maybe they are eating all sorts of food or activity purging/restricting). 2. They most likely have the time and other resources to go to the gym and eat a certain diet. 3. Genetics makes up 80% to 85% of our body’s composition. “Oh, I just have a fast metabolism” translates to I have different genetics than you.

If we hate our bodies and want to change them, accepting our feelings becomes harder.

If we are riddled with guilt and shame due to our inability to control basic signals from our bodies. We lack the mental space for other emotions, and we tend to self-blame for our issues rather than exploring and being curious about ourselves and life.

Avoidance and distraction have entered the chat and can lead to dissociation. We push feelings and issues away. We might strive for perfection and the appearance that we have everything together, but internally, we are a mess.

You might have guessed where I am going with this, which is to stop dieting (IF YOU HAVE AN EATING DISORDER DON'T TRY THIS WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL HELP!! THIS ARTICLE IS NOT CONSIDERED THERAPY!). If you want to connect with your body, feelings, and intuition, you first need to listen to your hunger and cravings. You need to stop outsourcing your body wisdom to those who don't accept you or are financially benefiting from your insecurities and desire to fit in.

If you have chronic physical issues that affect the food you can eat, then this is a more complex road you have to travel. Diet culture often advises eliminating entire food groups to cure your physical health, but this usually leads to increased stress. I will write a blog post about chronic health conditions and diet culture, but for now, I will put a link below to a helpful website that has resources for those with chronic issues.

https://haeshealthsheets.com/the-health-sheet-library/

Train Happy podcast by Tally Rye: Episode 54 Myth Busting POTs and Episode 70 The Psychology of IBS

https://a.co/d/jjI8TIu

https://a.co/d/g9gjzKR

Acceptance, attention, and belonging are basic survival instincts. We are social beings, and belonging to a group is needed for our survival. Society says that we need to look a particular way to be accepted. We actively see how fat bodies are treated (they are rejected from groups by being judged as being dumb, unhealthy, lazy, gross, untrustworthy, unprofessional, and several other fat-phobic reasons), so we automatically do things to fit in, such as look a certain way. A group of people, including society, works in this manner. Insiders and outsiders are decided, and this is natural. Nature does this as well. In societies, there is often a mix of oppression, discrimination, racism, and prejudice used to keep those outsiders outside. Those in power exploit this to maintain their power, keep civilization confused and distracted, and reap various benefits. For instance, I mentioned before that marketing attacks our insecurities and uses them against us. If we don't want to become outsiders in our society and have insecurities and shame around our body, we can be manipulated into believing the diets work and spend our hard-earned money to lose weight, only to have it backfire, gain more weight (our set point or weight our body is comfortable with goes up every time we diet), and suffer from shame, low-self worth, and low self-esteem. Dieting is only effective between 95% and 98% of the time, which means there's a slim chance of it working and gaining acceptance. Approximately 80% to 85% of our body composition is determined by genetics. Not to mention our bodies change over time, and we are not supposed to look like we are in our 20s forever.

It can be extraordinarily hard to stop dieting or recover from an eating disorder when there is a chance of weight gain. The fear of not finding a partner, friends, or a current partner rejecting us/leaving us, not finding a job, not receiving medical help, being judged by family and society, having to deal with people ignoring boundaries, and dealing with comments with the underlying message that your body is not okay, all are reasons to worry about gaining weight. In addition, if you are already part of a marginalized group, such as BIPOCs, LGBTQA+, "nonwhite", neurodivergent, women, low SES, those with chronic illness, the disabled, and others, then it can be even harder to give up dieting and letting yourself feel. Or put another way, if there is already one way, society is rejecting us and oppressing us, then "letting" ourselves gain weight and have another thing stacked against us feels insurmountable.

The Urge to Diet and Change our Bodies

Dieting can be a form of coping. How do we channel our energy after something significant happens in our lives or to us? This can look like a sudden death, such as a parent when a child is 17, and in order to cope with the grief, they focus on their health, getting fit, and losing weight. It initially helps them deal with those intense emotions and the incomprehensible, sudden death. However, this works until it doesn't, and eventually those feelings and unprocessed grief will make themselves known. Other examples of using dieting and the illusion of controlling our bodies to cope are a break-up, becoming a parent, getting diagnosed with an illness, a new job, starting college, retirement, emotional trauma, physical trauma, gaining approval from others, like parents or friends, sexual trauma, etc.

Puberty and Change (how do I be less human)

During puberty, our bodies, inside and out, go through an evolution. Hormones are in flux, our bodies are changing, and our feelings are felt more deeply. It is a huge transition where the whole body and brain undergo significant changes and growth. For some of us, we become moody, irritable, impatient, impulsive, excited, sad, melancholy, anxious, worried, and much more. We become more self-aware and socially aware, which can lead to feelings of awkwardness, confusion, acceptance, rejection, loneliness, and confidence, as well as other feelings related to how we are treated by others and our place in society. Mental health can arise and make things more intense for us. Combine that with whatever is going on at home, and it can be a difficult period of our lives. Most people will say that middle school years are a struggle, and almost no one wants to go back and relive that time in their life. It can be an extraordinarily difficult time to deal with feelings during this stage in our lives. We can, out of survival, develop ways to feel less. It is natural to want to find ways to cope with our humanity. Some methods can have lasting effects, while others can lead to harm or other adverse side effects. For instance, if a child is dealing with intense feelings of rejection and feeling like an outsider, they might join a club that suits their interests and has like-minded people. Relationships and activities are energy binders, serving as natural ways to cope with and survive. Depending on the type of energy binder, we can gain deeper insights into ourselves and grow.

Another young person might not be so lucky. Perhaps they feel rejected and othered, lacking access to communities where they could find a sense of belonging. So to cope and survive, they develop an eating disorder, and that works for a little while to disconnect them from their body until 9th grade, where it continues, but they develop depression. At home, they isolate due to chaotic parents and siblings. In high school, they eventually fall into a crowd that resembles their apathetic and rebellious outlook, where they take up drinking and self-harm when things get too chaotic. Their dissociation from their body and feelings, childhood trauma, and social rejection lead them down a path that only enhances their apathy and disconnection. It is only later on in life that they find insight, genuine acceptance, and connection. The cards they were dealt in life left them with few options as a kid, and they survived however they could, and there is no shame in that. These are just two examples of the numerous experiences that can occur in young children as they navigate an intense and vulnerable period in their lives.

You can think about your own journey as a kid, what life handed you, how puberty changed you, and how you coped with trauma, feelings, social awareness, and mental health. What you might still be dealing with that time in your life, currently. What might help you work through the side effects of such a time, how you might be more understanding and compassionate to yourself, and how your acceptance of yourself, rather than dwelling on what you can't change, might be for the better and help with emotional regulation?

In conclusion….

"So you're saying that I have to feel my feelings and then afterwards they still exist? That can't be right." Internet lore circa 2017

Yes, that is what I am saying. I know, super gross and big yikes.

But it is the only way through, and the more you feel your feelings without judgment, try to fix, or get rid of them, the easier it will be to deal with them.

Remember, you can tolerate any feeling for a short amount of time. It is not about enjoying the feeling, but more about not resisting it. You can sit with feeling rejected without internalizing it. You can acknowledge that you are feeling overwhelmed or in a spiral. You can notice that you're feeling anxious, uncomfortable, confused, or chaotic.

Example mindful statements:

"I am noticing that I am feeling overwhelmed."

"I can accept that I feel lonely in this moment."

"I am witnessing my anxiety around meeting new people."

"I can willfully tolerate feeling uncomfortable right now."

https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/

Mindfulness, frustration tolerance, and tapping are all ways of being with yourself as you are in this current moment.

On the spectrum of alexithymia and hypersensitivity, these same tactics help to manage what you are experiencing. If you are feeling disconnected from your body or feelings, a body scan meditation can help. Describing what you are going through when big feelings come up, whether you're interpreting them as negative or positive, take a look at a feeling wheel to get familiar with the terms, or look up how others describe feelings and see if that clicks for you.

Here is a great resource and a good place to start your feeling journey.

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/bundles/emotional-awareness-bundle/

The Yoga Bunny (Spotify or wherever you stream your music and podcasts, if you do) has some great body scan meditations.

And you might be familiar with the quote “feelings are facts,” which sadly has been used by certain people to invalidate the feelings of others. While yes, feelings are not facts, they are distortions, that does not mean they don’t have truths within them. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be discussed or taken seriously. If someone disagrees with your feelings about a situation, then that is their prerogative, but that doesn’t mean you should repress or dismiss your feelings outright. You can investigate your feelings with compassion and acceptance rather than internalizing someone else’s narrative about you and your feelings, and the same goes for them.

That is all for now! I might add to this article at a later point. But this is a good start. Let me know your thoughts, and if you need clarity on the information given.

Other helpful resources:

https://a.co/d/1OAe59B

https://a.co/d/7Pfjv3r

https://a.co/d/clznR1e

https://a.co/d/3MX2quQ